The Journal of Dean Winchester - Season 9 Part 1

A work of fiction - by sweetondean
(warning for language)

Entry One

Wake up Sammy, just wake up. I know you can do it. You’re stronger than this, man. You can’t let ‘em kill you like this. I won’t let you. Just open your eyes, and we’ll work the rest out. He’s gotta open his eyes. He’s gotta be okay. Come on Sammy, please. Please.

GOD’S HANDS? Was that Doctor fuckin’ serious? God’s hands? That is how we got into this mess in the first place, by playing God’s game. Now Sam is dead, or will be soon. Like I’m gonna trust my brother’s fate to God?? No. Not gonna happen. There’s gotta be a way outta this one. Gotta be.

I feel sick. What did I just do? I saved Sam, I think, but I had to trick him into it. Yeah...  I know he wouldn’t have wanted this, but he didn’t wanna die either. He told me that. He saw the damn light. He sees a life beyond this crap pile of an existence. So yeah, I’ve given him a shot at maybe having that one day. It was this or... It was this. No other choice. He ain’t gonna like it, I know it. But, maybe, just maybe, he’ll be thankful to be alive. I’m trusting this Ezekiel dude. And Cas vouches for him. Anyway, what's done is done. Sam’s gonna be okay now. That’s the important thing. Everything else we can deal with later. Sam’s alive. He’s getting fixed. It’s gonna be okay.

Entry Two

Great. The Bitch is back. Abaddon. Awesome. Something else to deal with. That was a close call. All around. I hope Sam swallowed my line of bull about killing all the demons. Is this Zeke dude gonna keep popping out like that? Because if he does, we’re gonna have to have a conversation. He’s supposed to be inside Sam fixing him, not suddenly appearing whenever he damn well pleases. That wasn’t our deal. Though, guess he saved Sam’s life. Again. I have a feeling I’m gonna be paying for this down the line. How’d everything get this screwed up? An angel inside my practically dead brother, the King of freakin’ Hell locked up in the bunker. Kevin’s flipping out. Poor kid don’t know the half of it. Jesus Christ if I can hold this one together it’s gonna be a fuckin’ miracle. And Sammy’s feeling great. He’s damn well happy. That’s good. I guess. Except he has no clue what’s really going on.

Entry Three

I’m gonna lose it. Cas died. Zeke brought him back to life, thank God. But then I gotta chuck him out of the Bunker? The guy’s eyes, the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget that look. He trusted me. He felt safe. With friends. I didn't want to do it...but I had no other choice. I don’t know how I’ll ever fix it with Cas. Maybe he'll understand when he knows why. Maybe not. And I don't know what to make of Zeke. He pops in and out so much, I’m gettin’ freakin’ whiplash. He’s worried Cas will bring the angels down on him? Why. What’s he hiding from? He's gotta be hiding something. I’m gettin’ real nervous. If he’s such a good guy, why would he be worried about being found? Damn it. I’m going crazy here. I can’t talk to no one about it. I’m bouncing off the freakin’ walls.

Entry Four

I feel like he’s stacking the chips against me, linin’ them up, waiting for his moment to call in his marker. But if he wasn’t here, Cas and Charlie would be dead. Thank God he could save Charlie. No way I could live with her blood on my hands. But I’m on my last nerve with this shit. I’m yelling Zeke's name at Sam. He’s suspicious as all hell. Askin' questions. The kid’s smart as a whip. I’m terrified he’s gonna put two and two together, chuck the angel out on his ass and wind up dead or worse. And there’s actually an OZ? Could life get any weirder? I don’t like Charlie going off with that Dorothy chick. She better look out for her.  Wicked Witch of the West… Fuck me.

Entry Five

Oh yeah. Sammy’s startin' to think something’s wrong. I keep lying at him, but he’s suspicious. One minute he's my brother and things seem normal and the next, he's not. I feel like I'm about to explode. I need to come clean. I gotta talk to Zeke and tell him we’ve gotta tell Sam what’s goin’ on. Just gonna have to risk it. I can’t stand this lying to my brother anymore. Not something this big. Somehow I’ll talk him into letting the angel stay put. I’ll figure it out. But he has to know. Though, can I risk it? Knowing him, he’d as soon die as be possessed again. Jesus. I don’t think I can risk it. It won’t be much longer. He’ll be fixed soon. The angel will go. I’ll tell him then. Once he’s well. He can hate me all he wants once he’s okay.

And whatever that mutt was gonna tell me about why dogs are really here is gonna haunt me for the rest of my days!

Entry Six

Steve the angel. Huh. Poor bastard. But this isn’t his fight anymore. Let him go live his life, be human, meet a girl, one that actually wants him and doesn’t try to kill him. Geeze Cas. Ha. I feel bad for the dude. I’ve gotta remember to check in with him now and then, make sure he’s doing okay. And do we believe Crowley? No reversing the angel fall spell? Yeah, well we’ll see. Everything that bastard says comes out crooked. I will say this though, if Sammy’s right and Crowley is addicted to the human blood… that right there is leverage.

Entry Seven

Man, it was good to see Sonny again. And Robin. She grew up nice. I’d pretty much put that whole time out of my memory. Hadn’t thought about it in years. I’d forgotten how good I had it there. Wonder what would’ve happened to me if dad never came back? Or if I never got back in the car? Not that that was ever gonna be an option. I wasn’t leavin’ Sammy out there alone. Couldn’t leave Sam. No way. But still. I can’t help but wonder how I would’ve ended up, had I not stepped back into the life….

Entry Eight

Okay, now I’m officially freaking out. I tried to tell Sam the truth and Zeke blocked me. Not only that, he pretty much threatened Sam. This whole, if he ejects me bullshit. This whole not long now. I dunno what to think anymore. But I’m starting to feel like this is all going nowhere good and fast. And why the hell would I be surprised by that? I’ve known from the beginning that it’d all end up biting me in the ass. But that didn’t matter, as long as Sammy was okay. But what if Sammy isn’t okay? What if this angel is just slinging me a line? I dunno what to believe. But my gut is screaming at me. Sammy thinks there’s something wrong with him. The kid is breaking my heart. I need to find a way to tell him what’s going on so he can stop kickin’ himself. Damn it. Everything’s going to hell as usual.

Good to see Jody though. And meet Suzy. Yeah, that part was real good.

Entry 9

I can’t. Oh God. Kevin, man I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I shoulda told you what was happening. I shoulda got you outta here. Protected you. Why didn’t I do that? Why the fuck didn’t I do that? The kid trusted me to take care of him. And now he’s dead. Like so many other’s before him. I’m poison. I can’t do anything right. Nothing. Everything I touch turns to shit or winds up six feet under. And Sam’s gone. Jesus. I don’t know if he’s even alive in there anymore. What if the angel burnt him out? I am such a fucking idiot trusting some angel I didn’t even know. Trusting him with Sam's life. Desperate fucking idiot. Who the hell has got my brother? Sammy. God. Okay, okay, I’ve gotta get my shit together. I’ve gotta go find that angel fuck and get my brother back, or put a stop to him, whatever I need to do. I’m not letting Sam live out his days as a piece of meat being dragged around by some angel douche. Oh God, I’m gonna be sick.

Okay Winchester, get it together. You did this, you fix it. However you need to. Fix what you can. I’ll find the angel. I’ll find Sam. I’ll find you Sammy, I promise. But first, I gotta take care of Kevin. Give him the burial he deserves. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry, kid. I’m so sorry…

 To be continued

Another Notch In His Bones - A Supernatural Fan Fiction

Dean sat. He just sat. Where he’d crumpled. He didn’t know for how long. It could’ve been minutes. It could’ve been hours. The horror of what’d just happened was so great his mind couldn’t grasp it. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t move. So he just sat. Sat staring at Kevin. His burnt out eyes, boring into Dean’s soul. Carving another notch deep into his bones. Where all his guilt lived.

Dean just sat.

When the cold of the bunker floor started to reach into his blood, Dean got up, every joint creaking. He stood looking down into the face of the young man he’d grown to think of as family. The eyes had stopped smouldering. The skin was pallid. Dean knew with out even touching him that Kevin was cold.

Dean took a deep breath and ran a hand back through his hair, closing his eyes as he swayed back and forth. Then he turned and strode from the room.

When Dean returned he had a sheet. He shook it out and gently laid it over Kevin’s body, dropping to a crouch to pull the edges down, so that the young prophet was covered. There Dean stayed until the muscles in his thighs burned and screamed out in pain.

Pain. Pain was good. He deserved pain, he thought.

Pushing up he span on his heel, walked up the bunker stairs and out the door.

When Dean returned it was dark. He was covered in dirt, his hands were scratched and bleeding, but he didn’t notice. He walked over to what had once been Kevin and dropped some rope to the floor that he’d retrieved from the trunk of the Impala. He crouched down and hefted Kevin into his arms. Walking to the large table in the middle of the room he laid Kevin out gently. Dean then went and got the rope and proceeded to wrap Kevin in the sheet, tying the rope around his legs and torso, around his head, to keep the sheet, now acting as a shroud, secure.

Dean pulled Kevin from the table and gently placed him over his should. He walked up the stairs and back out the door, staggering under the weight of the body. He traipsed down the road to a crop of trees. He walked through the trees, stumbling in the dark until he reached a clearing. In the middle of the clearing, stood a pyre.

Dean laid Kevin across the wooden structure and stood back breathing heavily from exertion and emotion.

“Kevin,” he said, “I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I brought the enemy into our home. Whether I knew it or not…well, I shoulda known better. I left you unprotected. You were my responsibility and I left you unprotected and it got you killed. I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve…”

Dean stopped and shook his head, his eyes were blurring as silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

Dean reached down and picked up the kerosene tin at his feet, moving forward and splashing the liquid across the pyre.

“I let you down. I let you down, man. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Dean fumbled around in his pocket for his lighter.

“Kevin, you deserve this. A hunter’s burial. You went out doing the job.”

He stepped forward in the dark.

“Kid, you were family. You are family. Sam and my family. Always will be.”

And with that Dean tossed the lighter onto the pyre and watched as the flames danced and grew, as the wood crackled and burned and as the fire engulfed Kevin.

Dean stood there in the dark until the last ember had stopped glowing. He dug a hole and buried what remains were left. Covering where the fire had burned. Making sure he left no evidence behind. And as the sun started to rise, Dean made his way back to the bunker.

As he walked in the door, the enormity of it all hit him. The silence was palatable. He could feel the emptiness creep into his heart and set up shop there.

He dragged his feet down the stairs bone weary and covered in dirt but he didn’t head to wash up, instead he headed to Sam’s room.

He almost knocked on the door, part of him hoping that this nightmare was just that, a nightmare but instead, he pushed the door opened and looked inside feeling as if the space was a vacant cavern.

Rage suddenly gripped him. He lashed out, sending books and files half way across the room. He grabbed Sam’s mattress and tossed it with all his strength against the wall. He screamed at the top of his lungs, “SAMMMMMMMM”, before folding down onto his knees, his head against his chest as violent sobs wracked his body. He threw his head back, teeth clenched as anguished sounds that even he didn’t recognise rose in his throat.

He breathed in and whispered, “Sammy”.

Dean sat there on the floor crushed and broken until he wasn’t. Then he got to his feet. He picked up the mattress and laid it back down on the bed frame. He made Sam’s bed. “Kid never could make a bed for shit” he mumbled to himself. He picked up the books and files scattered across the floor and neatly stacked them back on the shelves. He left the room without looking back, closing the door behind him.

As he walked down the hall of the bunker, Dean prayed out loud. “Cass, I know you can hear me now, man. I screwed up. Big time. Sam’s gone and I need to get him back. I need your help. Just get here, as soon as you can. I need you Cass.”

Dean walked into the room where he’d last seen his brother. Where he’d watch an angel he didn’t know, kill Kevin and walk out wearing Sam as a suit. He stood absorbing the desolation, gaining strength from his grief.

“I’m coming for you, you son of a bitch,” He yelled, knowing full well that the angel holding his brother hostage could more than likely hear him.

“I’m going to get you back, Sammy,” he whispered.

Wavering for only a moment, Dean walked into the Men of Letters library, grabbed a stack of books and tossed them on the table. He was filthy and exhausted and emotionally spent, but that didn’t matter. Somewhere out there was his brother and Dean wasn’t going to rest until he got him back.

He grabbed a beer, grabbed a book and set about trying to find away to bring Sam home. He could sleep later because, right now, he had work to do.

THE END

If you'd like to read more of my fanfiction, please visit my fanfiction page: sweetondean fanfiction

SUPERNATURAL FAN FICTION: HEAVEN CAN’T WAIT – Missing scene from episode 9.07

It was a long night for Cass and it'd been a long few weeks for Dean. Nothing was going right. His friend was lost and lonely. His brother was possessed. He was screwed. This is the missing scene after Nora's and before Dean dropped Cass back at the Gas-N-Sip

Dean looked over at his friend. Cass was quiet.

"We should probably get you to a doctor" Dean said, motioning towards Cass' arm.

"I'm fine, Dean" Cass said, not looking at Dean but continuing to stare out through the Impala windscreen. "Just take me back to the Gas-N-Sip"

"Give me a look" Dean said as he leaned forward and reached out for Castiel's arm. He barely touched it before Cass winced. "Yeah, you're going to the doctor"

"Dean…"

"Cass, you're human now, man. You're not gonna just heal. That cut needs dressing and your wrist, well it looks broken to me. You need to get it looked at. X-rayed."

Cass finally turned and looked at Dean, his brows furrowed. He sighed a heavy sigh. "Dean, I just want to go home. I'm tired. I need sleep. I will be fine."

Dean raised one eyebrow. "Yeah okay Chuck Norris, but I'm taking you to the hospital. I've had enough busted bones to know when something needs fixing. And I don't know I'm ever gonna get used to you having to sleep." He started the car shaking his head. "You gotta be more careful, man. You break now."

Cass looked away. His face etched with exhaustion and sorrow. "Yes Dean, I know."

They drove in silence to the hospital.



"I don't suppose you've got insurance?" Dean said as they pulled into the hospital car park.

"Insurance?" Cass looked confused.

"Insurance. Your job, does it come with insurance? In case you get hurt?"

"I…I don't know." Cass frowned and looked at his hand.

"Don't worry about it." Dean reached across Cass into the glove box and pulled out a wad of cards. "Here, you're now Fred A. Staire." Dean smirked.

Cass frowned.

Dean sighed. Cass never got any of his jokes.



They sat in the waiting room as Cass filled out the hospital forms.

"Age" Cass said. "Infinite?"

Dean laughed. "Um no, Fred's 37. You're 37."

Cass wrote 37 in the box.

"Next of kin?"

"Just put, put me and Sammy, it doesn't matter, they ain't gonna need to call us."

"Am I allergic to anything?"

"Probably not. Not unless freaky Kevorkian angels is on there"

"No it's not"

"Well then, just put no."

"Sex? Um I…what…"

"They just want to know if you're a guy or a girl!" Dean laughed out loud. "Not whether you've…just put male." Dean chuckled, shaking his head.

The nurse came over to check on them.

"How you doing sweetie? All done?"

"Yes." Cass said and handed the nurse the clipboard.

"Okay, well let's get you into a room so a doctor can look at that for you."

Cass got up and looked over at Dean, concern wrinkling his forehead.

"You'll be fine, man. Just go with the nurse, she'll take care of you." Dean flashed the nurse his most winning smile. She blushed.

While Cass was gone Dean absentmindedly flicked through the channels on the waiting room TV, but he wasn't watching it. He felt like shit. He was tired as hell, but it went deeper than that. Cass had nothing. Nothing and no one. His date with his boss turned out to be a babysitting gig. Poor bastard. He was sleeping in the back room of his work. He had only the clothes on his back. And it was all on Dean. Dean kicked him out. He felt like a piece of crap… for something completely different.

What was he supposed to do? Zeke told him it was Cass or Zeke and if Zeke took off, where did that leave Sam? Dead most likely. Dead or dying. That was never gonna happen. Not on his watch. Sammy's always gonna come first. He was pretty sure if Cass knew, he'd understand.

But he couldn't tell Cass because he couldn't be sure Cass wouldn't tell Sam and he sure as hell knew Cass would tell Dean to tell Sam and that wasn't gonna happen either, not yet anyway, not until Dean was sure that Sam was gonna be okay.

How was he ever gonna know that though? He lay awake night after night thinking it through from every angle. What if Zeke didn't want out? What if he took Sam hostage? What if he took Sam over and Dean couldn't tell? Dean was already starting to get confused about whom he was talking to. He was already starting to look for signs. How could he sure he was really talking to Sam? He knew Sam better than he knew or wanted to know himself and he was pretty sure he could tell the difference, at least for now, but how long would that last? What if there came a time that he could no longer see the line between his brother and the angel possessing him? How would he get Zeke out?

He'd started secretly researching when Sam was sleeping. Going through book after book in the Men of Letters library, trying to find a way to expel an angel from a vessel if the angel was set on staying put. He hadn't found anything yet, but he wasn't giving up. He needed a back up plan. He needed to know he could get his brother back even if the outcome wasn't good. He needed to know he could do that for Sam.

Dean ran a hand down his face and closed his eyes. Everything was so good with Sam right now. They were getting on great, working together, laughing, hanging out. They had a home… It was the best it'd been since… Dean couldn't remember. Since before Hell and the demon blood and the apocalypse and everything that came after it. It was good. But for how long? Dean knew when Sam learned the truth he wasn't gonna be happy. But it was a risk Dean was willing to take, because if his brother was alive, it was worth it. Even if Sam never wanted to see Dean again, Dean could at least live, knowing Sam was alive…

Dean put his head in his hands and swallowed hard, the weight of the secret and the guilt sitting on his shoulders. It was never easy. Why was nothing ever easy.

He heard someone clear his throat. "Dean? Are you alright"?

Dean looked up to see Cass looking down at him, a light shining behind his head.

"Geeze Cass, with that light behind you, you almost look like an angel." Dean smirked a weary smirk.

"Not funny, Dean." Cass said turning away.

"Sorry man, I'm just tired."

"Is everything alright, Dean?" Cass looked at his friend, his head slightly cocked to one side, worry in his eyes. "Is there something you need to talk about?"

For a moment Dean thought about spilling the beans, just for a moment… But instead he simply smiled and stood up. "Nah man, I'm good. Give me a look at your arm."

Cass held up his newly bandaged arm complete with splint. "My wrist was broken. They said I have to wear this for 4 weeks."

"Yeah? You okay?"

"I'll be fine." Cass said as he looked at Dean, "How about you, Dean?"

Dean smiled, "You know me Cass, I'm always good. Come on, let me get you home."



By the time they got back to the Gas-N-Sip it was light. Dean pulled up and shut off the engine.

"Listen Cass, um back at the bunker, I ah, I'm sorry I told you to go, I know it's been hard on you, you know, on your own, but you're adapting. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, Dean"

Dean smiled.

"But" Cass continued, "There's something Ephraim said. The angels they need help. Can I really sit this out, shouldn't I be searching for a way to get them home?"

Dean looked down. He knew the truth; Sam had called him to tell him. There was no way for the angels to get home. Not unless Crowley was lying, which was a distinct possibility. But was now the time to tell his friend? Dean searched Cass' worried face…

"Me and Sam will take care of the angels" Dean said, "You're human now, it's not your problem anymore."

Cass looked at Dean, opened the car door and got out. Leaning in the window he lifted his good hand and waved before walking away.

Dean started the car, what was one more lie at this point? He took a deep breath and drove away without looking back.

Thanks for reading! If you'd like to read more of my fan fiction you can find it here.

-sweetondean

Brothers that LAPR together..... A Supernatural Fanfiction

Sam and Dean stood in front of the basins of the public restroom in the park behind 'Moondoor'. Swords casually propped up against the wall.

"Those nerds didn't know what hit 'em" Dean chuckled as he turned on the tap and ran his hands under the cool water. "Think I got blisters from that damn sword though."

"Awww princess" teased Sam, "The nasty sword too rough for your delicate handsies?"

Dean looked up. "Hey I beat the snot out of those Orcs" he said, "And I've got a bunch of ears to prove it." He reached into the leather pouch hanging off his belt and pulled out a handful of fake ears, proffering them to his brother.

Sam just laughed. "Yeah man, you're the hero of Moondoor."

"Damn straight." said Dean. "Anyway, I saw you clipping a few Orcs and Elves around the head yourself."

Sam laughed again. "Yeah, I got me a few" he chuckled.

Dean looked at his brother and smiled, it'd been a while since he'd seen Sam laugh. Damn, it'd been a long while. He liked it. He liked to see his baby brother enjoying himself for a change.

"You know," said Sam with a smirk, "You should leave that wig on, blonde flowing locks kinda suit you."

Dean looked in the mirror and flicked the hair back with an over exaggerated wave of his hand, "You think? Well you know what they say Sammy, blondes have more fun." Dean winked.

Sam shook his head "God forbid!" He laughed again. Only his brother could turn a gibe around like that. He bent down to rinse the paint off his face.

"And you Sammy, should leave that paint on," Dean said, casting a sideways glance at Sam, "Hides that ugly mug of yours."

Dean quickly sidestepped, narrowly avoiding the water his brother flung at him.


They walked back across the field towards the Impala.

Dean sighed a contended sigh, "Well they may be nerds, but they sure know how to have a good time. That was definitely fun."

"Yeah…" Sam agreed, "It was fun. Oh and, hey Dean," he continued.

Dean looked up. "Yeah?"

"Happy birthday man."

Though he tried not to, Dean beamed.

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